Tag Archives: Online Writing

It’s either all or nothing

Freud's diagrams from 'The Ego and the Id' (1923)

Freud’s diagrams from ‘The Ego and the Id’ (1923) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The most powerful information I received during my awakening was that giving is everything.  We can not survive on our own, we must help others to help ourselves.  And by helping others, we evolve into higher blessed beings.

GIVING IS EVERYTHING is written several times in my ayahuasca journal.  Strength is beauty, ego is illusion and this world is fantasy.

I haven’t been the same since I got back from Colombia.  Everyday I progress towards my higher self.  With every passing day, I’m finding myself happier and awake.

I give to everyone.  I love and respect everyone.  Everyone needs love.  Everyone deserves respect.  However, I’m not sacrificing myself anymore to feed others false ego’s.  Ego’s are dangerous.  Ego’s cause pain and war. It’s truth’s opposite, opposite of humility and humanity.  Therefore, I tell the truth – all of the truth and nothing I write is an embellishment or falsified in any way.  If I exaggerate anything, writing in my own personal journal for my own benefit, than whats the point of it?  If I’m not honest here, I can’t be honest anywhere.

The girl who had sex with my ex-boyfriend while I was in the next room, read my blog.  Now she’s pissed.  I can’t help the way I view her, it’s what I see until I see different.  And I can’t ignore the times Dave put me in danger.  He shot a gun out of my car window.  Am I exaggerating that?  He shot a gun out my car window, he nearly crashed Amy’s quad that she cherishes, shot off rounds in her old log cabin.  How is this exaggerating?  I’m stating, not telling.

I accepted who she is, I forgave her.  It was a fucked up thing to do to me, but I forgave her.  Nobody’s perfect and I don’t judge others on their faults and mistakes because why bother?  Their shit has nothing to do with me.  And who really cares what I think anyway?  I’m not of brilliant mind, I’m no angel.

But I can’t have impartial friends.  An impartial friend is someone I can’t be myself around, I always have to placate to their needs – to never say how I feel.  No, I can’t have impartial friends.  I tried that with my ex-friends, but I ended up suffering in the long run.  It’s either all or nothing with me.  But by saying how I feel, all the people who claimed to be my friends, turned out not being friends at all.  Just shadows of what a real friend looks like.  Like Plato’s cave allegory, only images having no substance.  The beauty of it is that if they can’t be a real friend to me, then they can’t be a real friend to anybody, so I can’t take it personal.  Not taking it personal is a great relief (at least for my ego).

What is a real friend anyway?

A real friend wouldn’t leave me stranded in a third world country because of her own warped agenda, a real friend wouldn’t sleep with my ex (let alone with me being there to hear the Ohh Ahh sounds [a painful twisting of the knife]), a real friend would always have my back, help me up when I fall (even if I say I’m okay) – a real friend would care.  They would put themselves aside and care about someone other than themselves for even only two minutes.  They have the rest of the day to divulge in themselves, they can’t take 2 minutes away from themselves to feel what it’s like walking in my shoes?

Eh, I don’t care anymore anyway.  Everyone hates me, I’m a martyr that always gets yelled at for something.  I make people see the truth they don’t want to hear and I get crucified.  It’s always me that gets hurt.  Always.  I can handle it – bring it.

This is my blog, what I put in here is for me.  Readers must read at their own risk because what comes out aint always pretty.  If I feel I’ve been wronged, damn skippy it’s going in here.

The raw truth hurts, but here it is.

I’m not candy coating shit.

Whatever new friends I acquire now, will be of a different stock.  Not just the shadows.  As you get older you learn who your true friends are – this is sad news, but gets you in the doorway for something greater.

So anyway, that’s that.  I told people not to read my blog anymore, I told them.  But they insist.  This girl is most likely going to give Dave the link to my blog so he can be rid of me too.  People use me up like a tissue and throw me away when they don’t like the contents that come out of them.  Everyone has gooey grossness on the inside.  I put my own grossness on a pedestal.  My blog is my high horse.

Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh right, giving is everything.  I want to sponsor a child from a foreign country.  I just need to figure out the best foundation to do it with.  That will be my project for tomorrow.  That was the main point of my post this evening, but it turned into something way different.  You never know where a post will take you..

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Filed under journal, rant, Self help

4:47 pm

I had  client cancel on me, so here I am at Starbucks with forty minutes to kill.

I’m still reading the little book, Clear your Clutter with Feng Shui, and I got to the chapter about ridding yourself of old journals you don’t love or read anymore.  I have 28 journals filled with nonsense taking up space in the back of my closet.

I can feel their presence behind my bedroom wall when I sleep.  They have a negative pull on me, almost like a weight.  So last night I made the bold decision to rid myself of them.  It’s a lot harder than I thought.  My journals are my one hoarding weakness – I can feel what it’s like to not want to abandon them.  To throw them out is like throwing myself away, my memories and all that ever happened to me.  But they need to go.  I honestly don’t want or need them anymore.

I stayed up late last night reading my 1999 journal before gaining the courage to toss it.  I was working three jobs at the time and my friends hated me.  It’s some depressing shit.  And I was also boy crazy.  I had the journal for seven or eight months and had a new boy for each month – doting over every one until they bored me.

It just started pouring out.  I mean huge, heavy inescapable drenching drops.  I have my laptop and I’m wearing a short-sleeved polo shirt – not prepared for this!

I wrote in my 1999 journal that if you ask a homeless man if he could have anything in the world, what would it be?  It would probably be something material.  If you ask a rich man who has all he could ever want, if he could have anything what would it be, he would say something immaterial.  You always want what you can’t have.

I just wanted to write that down before I forgot it.  I threw the journal away.  I feel a little lighter.

There’s a break in the downpour, I should make a break for it.

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Googling myself

If I ever heard the phrase ‘googling somebody’ ten years ago, I would have thought they were doing the nasty.  Now it’s acceptable, globally known terminology.

I found myself in my bedroom during the wee hours of the night, googling myself.  What I found made my face flush and my insides churn.  I found a poem I wrote on Spyders poetry forum 11 years ago when I was 19 years old.  It was smack dab in the middle of the second page.

“Oh no oh no oh no.”

I nervously clicked the link and read my lame ass poem.  Oh so embarrassing, and oh so stuck in the web to follow my name around for the rest of my life and beyond.  Would you like to read this horribly discomfiting quatrain?

I’m probably going to regret this, but here it is. 

Trust not what you see in the complexities of this world
The trust that’s divine
Trust only the Lord

Creator and master of all big and small
like wind on a mountain
he will never fall

the simplicity of nature is what he does best
baby birds hatching on rickety sticks built for a nest
everything is beautiful
tranquil, serene
I wish everyone could know what I mean

feel the wind brush over you quickly without a care
you can’t see it, but it’s there
Feel the heat from the sun that may be too much to bear
you can’t hear it, but it’s there
feel the emotions in the roots of your soul
can’t see, nor touch, nor hear
but you know for a fact that they will always be there

lay down on your back one day
look up into the night sky with the moon and stars and pray
think long and deep with no cluttering concerns
ask questions to life and what you most yearn

see him or not
you will talk to him

hearing his words crisp and clear
would not happen in the night air

but only in you
for he is within you

and what he tells you would be advice so wise
trust this person within you, for he never lies

how can you go wrong when taking the paths you choose
listening to you heart, you can never lose

trust not what you see
trust not what you hear
trust in yourself
and have no fear

I’m not even religious!  Lame lame lame.

I have to get back to work.  Don’t worry, I won’t quit my day job.

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