Tag Archives: Friendship

It’s either all or nothing

Freud's diagrams from 'The Ego and the Id' (1923)

Freud’s diagrams from ‘The Ego and the Id’ (1923) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The most powerful information I received during my awakening was that giving is everything.  We can not survive on our own, we must help others to help ourselves.  And by helping others, we evolve into higher blessed beings.

GIVING IS EVERYTHING is written several times in my ayahuasca journal.  Strength is beauty, ego is illusion and this world is fantasy.

I haven’t been the same since I got back from Colombia.  Everyday I progress towards my higher self.  With every passing day, I’m finding myself happier and awake.

I give to everyone.  I love and respect everyone.  Everyone needs love.  Everyone deserves respect.  However, I’m not sacrificing myself anymore to feed others false ego’s.  Ego’s are dangerous.  Ego’s cause pain and war. It’s truth’s opposite, opposite of humility and humanity.  Therefore, I tell the truth – all of the truth and nothing I write is an embellishment or falsified in any way.  If I exaggerate anything, writing in my own personal journal for my own benefit, than whats the point of it?  If I’m not honest here, I can’t be honest anywhere.

The girl who had sex with my ex-boyfriend while I was in the next room, read my blog.  Now she’s pissed.  I can’t help the way I view her, it’s what I see until I see different.  And I can’t ignore the times Dave put me in danger.  He shot a gun out of my car window.  Am I exaggerating that?  He shot a gun out my car window, he nearly crashed Amy’s quad that she cherishes, shot off rounds in her old log cabin.  How is this exaggerating?  I’m stating, not telling.

I accepted who she is, I forgave her.  It was a fucked up thing to do to me, but I forgave her.  Nobody’s perfect and I don’t judge others on their faults and mistakes because why bother?  Their shit has nothing to do with me.  And who really cares what I think anyway?  I’m not of brilliant mind, I’m no angel.

But I can’t have impartial friends.  An impartial friend is someone I can’t be myself around, I always have to placate to their needs – to never say how I feel.  No, I can’t have impartial friends.  I tried that with my ex-friends, but I ended up suffering in the long run.  It’s either all or nothing with me.  But by saying how I feel, all the people who claimed to be my friends, turned out not being friends at all.  Just shadows of what a real friend looks like.  Like Plato’s cave allegory, only images having no substance.  The beauty of it is that if they can’t be a real friend to me, then they can’t be a real friend to anybody, so I can’t take it personal.  Not taking it personal is a great relief (at least for my ego).

What is a real friend anyway?

A real friend wouldn’t leave me stranded in a third world country because of her own warped agenda, a real friend wouldn’t sleep with my ex (let alone with me being there to hear the Ohh Ahh sounds [a painful twisting of the knife]), a real friend would always have my back, help me up when I fall (even if I say I’m okay) – a real friend would care.  They would put themselves aside and care about someone other than themselves for even only two minutes.  They have the rest of the day to divulge in themselves, they can’t take 2 minutes away from themselves to feel what it’s like walking in my shoes?

Eh, I don’t care anymore anyway.  Everyone hates me, I’m a martyr that always gets yelled at for something.  I make people see the truth they don’t want to hear and I get crucified.  It’s always me that gets hurt.  Always.  I can handle it – bring it.

This is my blog, what I put in here is for me.  Readers must read at their own risk because what comes out aint always pretty.  If I feel I’ve been wronged, damn skippy it’s going in here.

The raw truth hurts, but here it is.

I’m not candy coating shit.

Whatever new friends I acquire now, will be of a different stock.  Not just the shadows.  As you get older you learn who your true friends are – this is sad news, but gets you in the doorway for something greater.

So anyway, that’s that.  I told people not to read my blog anymore, I told them.  But they insist.  This girl is most likely going to give Dave the link to my blog so he can be rid of me too.  People use me up like a tissue and throw me away when they don’t like the contents that come out of them.  Everyone has gooey grossness on the inside.  I put my own grossness on a pedestal.  My blog is my high horse.

Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh right, giving is everything.  I want to sponsor a child from a foreign country.  I just need to figure out the best foundation to do it with.  That will be my project for tomorrow.  That was the main point of my post this evening, but it turned into something way different.  You never know where a post will take you..


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Filed under journal, rant, Self help

I had sex last night!


Jared (Photo credit: bullcitydogs)

Yes that’s right I said it!  Booya who’s da man?  Not me cause I’m a girl, but a girl who had SEX last night with a MAN.

Last night was nuts.  Just plain nuts.

I’m sitting in Cheshire coffee feeling super hung over (as usual) and trying not to brag about my sexual prowess, but I can’t help it.

The problem is, it only lasted three seconds because the guys brother started knocking on the bedroom door.  He wasn’t knocking to tell us to knock it off, but knocking so he can join in.  Um, okay….Let me start from the beginning.

My good friend (really, one of my only friends) is upset at me for supposedly being mean to K in my Nepal post.  Not only was I mean, but exhibited a lot of hate and anger toward her too.  If you read the post, you would see how completely helpless I was.  Not only helpless, but confused and heartbroken for being left alone on a freakin’ mountain in a third world country – ME!  Of all people!  But apparently everything that happened to me was all my fault.  I was the asshole, the mean one.

The girl who told me this, my friend since I was 14 , says she’ll talk to me about it in person and tell me how I was mean.  But I’m afraid whatever she tells me will be bullshit and if it’s all bullshit, that means she only said what she said because she’s taken K’s side.  And I have the sinking feeling that she did.

It’s devastating.  Completely devastating.  That moment when you find out your friend doesn’t have your back – the moment when you realize just how alone you really are in the world, well, it sucks.  Really sucks.  Now not only K is avoiding me, but she’s taken one of my best and only friends along with her.

I’m once again the sitting dunce.  That dunce feeling I had in Nepal never left.  I’m the one.  It’s me that people love to torture and deflate.

So anyway, I’ve been depressed and kept myself good and drunk everyday since I been back.  That may be why I signed my own death warrant for entering in the Tough Mudder (or it could be that I have a masochistic personality disorder that I just learned about).  I’m not tough.  I’m weak with flat feet and bugs bunny arms!  I feel like I’m punishing myself.  I’m a dogs ratty chew toy.  I don’t squeak anymore cause there’s too many puncture wounds in me.

So anyway, that’s where I am right now.  Living at home, working six hours a week, half the people I live with hate me – speaking of my crazy aunt and ocd cousin, he was left in the house by himself today.  When I stopped home earlier for a minute, hot steaming water was running (probably for hours) and made the house feel like a swamp.  And I heard domonic chanting coming from upstairs.

Me – “What the eff is that?”

I stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up trying to make sense out of the satanic rumblings.  The voices were monotone, even-paced, and spoken in spiritless voices.  I walked up the stairs, half expecting to be axed to death, but the voices became clearer and I figured out what they were.  It was a bunch of kids reciting the rosary over and over again on an old creepy cassette tape.

“Okay, I’m out of here.”

I filled up my water bottle and jetted off to the Cheshire Trail for some well-needed rollerblading.

“Everybody’s fucking with me.  Everybody’s effing crazy!”

This is my world y’all – welcome to my hell.

I totally got off topic.  Where was I?  Scroll….up, uh yes.  I totally had sex last night!

I hung out with Kristie and her friends yesterday.  She’s friends with Ania and Jared who are in some sort of weird open relationship.  I have a crush on Jared.  He’s cute, smart, big (I like big, I can’t help it) – but above all that, he’s funny.  If someone can make me laugh – they got me.  He had me cracking up the whole night in his blue superman hoodie.

And he’s like me – an empath.  I could tell he’s an empath from the first moment I started liking him.  His whole energy changed and focused on me.   He knew I liked him.  I don’t know how, but he knew and ate it up.

We were sitting at a bar in Southington, all of us moderately buzzed, when Ania and Jared decided to take us some place else – a bar in Bristol.  We piled into Ania’s Catalac, blasted some tunes and Jared drove us there fast – very fast and very crazy.  But I wasn’t scared.  I felt nothing but nostalgia.  I missed those car rides from my earlier years.

Me – “What’s wrong with me?  I’m numb.  I don’t feel any fear.”

Jared – “That’s why I like you.”

He says this as he slams on the breaks and all of us pitch forward.

Kristie held my hand and curled up next to me like a scared little babe.  Everyone’s windows were rolled down, I was in the windy backseat smoking a cigarette.  I tossed it out the window, or so I thought.

Kristie – “Somethings smoking.”

We were in the drive-thru line at taco bell.  I got out of the car and searched for a burning lit cigarette.

Me – “Ah here it is, it’s okay.  It didn’t burn any holes in the car.”

I sat back in the car, Kristie rested her head on my shoulder.

Kristie – “I still smell something burning.”

Me – “I don’t smell anything.”

She looks over at me.

Kristie – “Oh my god Melanie you’re on fire!”

My Savannah Georgia hoodie was alit.  Completely ablaze behind my head.  I hopped out of the car and started jumping up and down patting my back.  Kristie was laughing hysterically as she fished out the flaming butt.

Kristie – “Ha ha ha, how did you do this?  Oh my god hahahha.”

Me – “I’m like Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire.”  I’m such a dork.  Every time I go out, I say at least one regrettably dorky statement.  This was tonight’s.

We drove to a karaoke bar and danced and sang until the bar closed.  I looked like a complete scrub in my signature hobo look.  My hand-me-down pants were five sizes too big and being held up with a cheap belt that came with a pair of hiking pants and I was wearing a big sexless black hoodie.  But because Dave wasn’t around, I still managed to get hit on.  Jared kept telling me how beautiful I was which aroused only emotions of embarrassment and guilt.

Kristie – “You have a way about you.”

Me – “I’m not a flirt, am I?  Does it seem like I’m flirting?”

Kristie – “No not at all, you’re just being you.”

Apparently guys really like the disheveled, depressed look.

I couldn’t shake off an old married black man from hounding me.  He showed me pictures of his kids and his wife.

Him – “I’m not happy in my marriage.  I like to go out and meet new people, you know?  I’d love to get your number so we can arrange for this again.”

He hovered over me as I added him to facebook – you know, to make sure I did it right.  But I didn’t do it right.  The service was bad.  But still I refused to give him my number.  He made me write down my name, though.

Jared – “Come on Mel we’re leaving.  Let’s go let’s go – we’re going to the strip club, come on.”

And off we went.  But we didn’t go to the strip club, we went back to Jared’s.  It was me, Kristie, Ania, Jared and his brother (can’t remember his name).  Jared’s brother is one of those shameless, self-defacing alcoholics.  A person you can say anything to and he’ll be accepting, non-judgmental and not make anything of it.  He’s also like a punching bag in taking abuse from people both mentally and physically – almost like he expects it from others.  Is this how I am?

Nowadays people can say whatever they want to me – their most private thoughts and secrets and I barely flinch or feel anything.  At one point Jared popped his balls out of his pants and I just smiled in amusement.

Ania – “Look at you, you don’t even care.”

Me – “Huh, you’re right.”

Ania insisted we all play strip poker.

Ania – “Everybody into the kitchen!  Game is on!”

I won the first hand, but lost the next several leaving me in nothing but my purple heart undies.  I stopped playing before they came off.

Then we played spin the bottle and truth or dare.  We were drinking cape codders at 4 in the morning when Kristie asked me; “Melanie.  When was the last time you had sex?”

Me – “Over two years ago.”


Me – “Yep, two years.  Over two years actually.”

The room exploded.  Everyone was astonished and nobody wanted to leave me alone about it.

Ania – “Well, we have to get you laid tonight.  We just have to.”

Jared – “I’ll do it I’ll do it!”

Jared raised his hand and bounced up and down.

Ania – “Um, NO.  You will not do it.”

Jared’s brother was laying on the floor in the room across from us.

Jared’s brother – “You can use me I guess.  I’ll just lay here.”

I don’t know what came over me, but I liked that idea – I mean really liked it.  Picturing him laying there while I did whatever I wanted gave me a slight power trip – I sparked to life.  My loins stirred awake.  It was something I haven’t felt in a long time.

Ania – “Go in there and have your way with him.  Don’t think about it, just do it.”

Me – “Okay.  But only for five minutes.  I don’t want to draw it out.  Is there a condom?”

Ania – “Yes there are condoms, now get in there.”

I go into the room.

Me – “The light has to be off and I’m not putting anything in my mouth.”

Him – “Okay, that’s fine.”

And then I started to do my thing.  The minute things heated up, I hear Kristie from outside the door saying “Bye Mel.”

Me – “What?  She’s leaving?”  No, that can’t be right.

But her and Ania did leave.  Ania’s parents wanted her back home pronto – she’s thirty years old and getting yelled at for being out untill 5 am.

As soon as they left, I hear Jared outside the bedroom door knocking and trying to open the locked door.  That’s when I turned on the lights and got dressed.  The mood was over, and I wasn’t about to have a three-way between two brothers.

When I opened the door for Jared, he charged in like a horny bulldozer.  I sensed that his thoughts and emotions were absent from him.  He wanted me and his desire alone consumed him.  He came over to me, picked me up in his huge arms and gently laid me down on the mattress – it made me hot, I’m not gonna lie.  But it was happening too quickly and I couldn’t process if what I was doing was wrong.  Ania made it clear to Jared that he was not to sleep with me.

Me – “No, this isn’t right.  Lets not do this.”

But my words fell on deaf ears – he literally couldn’t hear what I was saying.  It wasn’t because he was purposely ignoring me, he simply was consumed with desire.  I never understood that cliché until now.  He was deaf and blind.

‘Oh shit am I going to be a one in five rape victim?  Is this what it’s like?’

After numerous attempts at saying no, he finally responded.  It was like he snapped out of a trance.  He came back to life.

Jared – “Oh, seriously?  Oh wow I feel like a rapist.”

Me – “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

Jared – “Is it because of Ania?”

Me – “Yeah, and other things.”

Um Hello?  I was just with your brother?

Jared – “You know Ania and I have an open relationship.  She’s into girls too.  If she was here, she would be into it.”

Me – “Oh well, I’m not really into that.”

Jared – “It’s no big deal, really.  Is Ania the only reason?”

Me – “It just doesn’t feel right.”

Jared – “But you were about to do it with my brother.”

Me – “It’s different with him.  I don’t have feelings for him.”

That’s when things start to blur in my memory.  I can’t remember much after that.  Only that he walked me to my car and I drove home.  I can’t remember if I went straight to bed, or ate and watched an episode of 30 Rock.

I’m so tired.  I just ate a corn dog and now I’m laying in bed.  Ania just sent me a smily face text out of the blue.

I’m not positive, but my new friends may not be good for me.

I’m lonely, have an addictive personality and I crave attention and love from others.  These people like to drink, have fun and liquor me up to get me in bed with them.  They fit nicely into my needs.  But my needs are my worst qualities – the ugly side of me that will never grow up.  And now I seem to be diving head first into them.  If I cave and sleep with my new friends, then I would lose to my demons.  And I’ll be known as being the shameless whore with emotional problems.

I really want to leave the country.

And Jared’s brother turned out to be married.   Women are allowed to kill their cheating husbands in Hong Kong, but only with their bare hands.  They can kill the mistress however they want.  If I was in Hong Kong, it would be legal to kill me.  It’s wild to think that my murder can be acceptable.  Think about it.  It’s okay to murder me.  Its okay, just do it.

I’m pretty sure that I have a masochistic personality disorder.  I mean, why else linger on the fact that I can be legally murderded right now?


Filed under journal, Self help

Melanie the Degenerate

Two friends

Two friends (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I can’t remember the last time I woke up without a hangover.

I’ve been drinking a lot since I got back from Nepal because my friends all hate me.  Not only does K hate me, but another good friend doesn’t like me too much either.

She said I was mean to K in my Nepal post and that I showed a lot of hate and anger towards her.  That was her only response to my post.  No explanation or anything.  Just that I was mean.  I don’t know where in my blog show’s me having hate and anger (very strong words), but somewhere it does.  I’m apparently the bad guy in all this.  I’m the one who screwed up.  I’m the degenerate low-life.

I’m in a bad place.  All I want to do is hang out with Dave and drink myself into a stupor.  I give up.  People want to take sides that’s fine, I don’t need anyone.  I really don’t.

I started hanging out with Kristie and all her friends.  All her friends ever want to do is go out and drink.  Now I not only have Happy Tuesday to drink, but there’s also Thirsty Thursday and Hump Day, which we also call Thirsty Thursday because we never know what the hell day of the week it is.

I’m going to end up in a gutter with my new friends drunk beside me laughing at each other and me, slapping each other on the backs and giving high fives.  I’ll be laughing too.  Laughing and crying.

And this girl, Kristie, must have text me over a dozen times today and it’s only 3 o’clock.  She’s starting to enclose me in her finely spun alcohol induced cocoon of friendship.  She wants to hang out.  I told her I was taking a nap.  Ha ha maybe I really am an asshole and everyone is right.

I went to the massage clinic to sit today.  I woke up tired as hell at 10 am so I could be there for 11.  My mother made pasta Primavera and put some in a Tupperware container for me to take with me.  I gave one massage and came back home exhausted.  Pasta for breakfast wasn’t a good idea today.

I’m still waiting for my friend to tell me where in my post I was being mean.  But should I care or should I just let it go?  If I let it go that means our friendship is pretty much over.  I don’t want to be that girl.  The one who no one really wants to be around.  I can take a hint.

Jesus what kind of friends do I have?  One of them leaves me alone in the Himalayas and the other one says I was mean.  Is everyone like this?  Or do I just have shit luck?


Filed under journal, rant

About my last post…..sorry :(

Just Another Asshole LP cover

Image via Wikipedia

My last post upset some people.  I feel like crap now.  I feel embarrassed actually.

I just have to say that Mo was my best friend very briefly 10 years ago when all my life-long friends were busy with school or have moved away.  At the time it felt like she was the only person who really knew me, but that was long ago and I emphasized that she was the only person who ever knew me for dramatic effect.

I hardly talk to her anymore, very rarely do I see her – we are barely friends now and she doesn’t know me like my good friends who stuck by my side for years and years do.  She does not know me at all anymore.  It was all just during that brief Aquaturf phase.  And it was so fleeting that it’s just a drop in time for me.

I absolutely love and adore the friends that I have now and nothing will ever change that unless they disown me for being an asshole.

I don’t think everyone’s a sociopath either.  I promise you that!  I love mostly everybody – even the difficult ones!  Even that big smelly guy I had to massage has a little nook in my heart.

Anyways, I’m sorry.

I’m not a great writer – not even a mediocre writer.  (I use dashes too much because I don’t know proper grammar or punctuations.)

So sometime’s it’s easy for me to write something that can be taken the wrong way.

Basically when it comes down to it, I’m an asshole that likes to write shit on the internet.  I forget that people read this shitty blog.

Yesterday I started to draw a sulking angel sitting on a perch and guess what?  Today I’m sulking!

It’s 12:30 am and I probably won’t sleep tonight because I feel so bad.

See, here is me right now…..drawing of an angel😦


Filed under journal, My artwork