Here’s a letter I wrote a few days ago to an ex-friend. I’m posting it online because I’m sure by now it already made its way around my circle of friends, so concealing it would be humiliating. Why shouldn’t my loyal 48 blog followers also be privy to hear it? They’re subscribers to my life online afterall!
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Hey Holly how’s it going? I need to write you a letter because I do better in explaining myself in a letter than I do in person.
First, I want to address the Kristina situation. What’s going on between us is between her and me and has nothing to do with you. I don’t want to gossip about her behind her back or talk shit about her. I don’t want to try to win you over by putting her down. That was never my intention. I don’t want to say anything more about her. I didn’t want to talk about her yesterday with you because I didn’t want you to think negatively of her because of me. Although you don’t see it, she doesn’t like me. That’s all I’ll say about that. You don’t have to believe me.
All I can tell you is that she tells bold faced lies and twists the truth. I can tell you that because I said it to her already.
As far as me being upset with you goes, I was upset that you didn’t offer me any support or understanding for what I went through in Nepal. I was hoping you wouldn’t pick a side and just feel for what I went through but instead I felt that you stopped wanting to see me and you put all your focus on being with Kristina. I tried to hang out with the both of you on several occasions, but it wasn’t happening.
You will never understand the hurt I felt from this because you and I live in different worlds. Your world includes having a loving supporting family. You have an awesome sister who will always be there for you and you’ll never have to be alone in your house or have to worry about people avoiding you in your own home. I have a loving family too, but it’s a lot more difficult for me here. It’s hard because I’m always alone in my room. I feel like I have nobody. No stable emotional support, no one here to talk with. My thinking is different from yours because my world is different. I’m not complaining, but just trying to explain myself and why I am who I am and feel the way I do.
The past few years have been hard on me because I felt that you were distancing yourself and saw me as being a needy helpless friend. And no matter how much I tried diffusing that belief, it always lingered in your head.
You used to invite me out with you everywhere you went. I met a lot of your family members, felt apart of your home.
I saw Becky, Becca and Delilah regularly and used to go out to eat with them and been to all their houses, but that all stopped suddenly and you never told me why. I thought they were my friends too. You hate when I bring this up because it’s an example of me being helpless and needy (and annoying), but I really liked those girls. And you really DID invite me out with them all the time in the past. I went to Delilah’s wedding and even Becca’s graduation party! And I came to visit you and Steph a lot at CCSU. Doesn’t all that make me friends with them also? Can you at least tell me what I did wrong? No matter how hurtful it sounds, I would rather hear it than not. Maybe I can improve myself? Or get a second chance?
It hurt knowing that they weren’t in my life anymore. I don’t know why I wasn’t welcomed with them, but I kept telling myself that whatever the reason, I’m sure it’s a good one that has nothing to do with me. But I still always felt excluded and hurt, regardless. I couldn’t help feeling that way even though it’s irrational, I still felt it. You will never understand this feeling (because of our different worlds).
Nothing has been the same after our fight a few years ago. During that fight, it felt like you and Kristina ganged up on me. I have paranoia about being ganged up on because it happened to me when I was a kid. I had a very lonely, isolated childhood. That’s why I put so much trust and love into my friendships. They always meant a great deal to me. I gained all my strength, love and confidence from them and maybe loved people back a little too much because I never had that when I was a kid.
My feelings about being ganged up on may have been irrational because it being a deep-seated phobia and all. And I understand that that fight was completely my doing. But it really did feel like I was ganged up on. I was crying my eyes out trying to tell my side of things, but Kristina yelled at me and you took her side and yelled right back without ever listening to me. You heard Kristina yelling at me and automatically assumed it was my fault. You probably don‘t remember that, but I do. Living in my world, you remember all the hurts more than anything.
I was completely alone and nobody wanted to be with me. Feeling the darkness and isolation was overwhelming. It was palpable. It literally felt like the seventh circle of hell, which doesn’t involve flames or any of that nonsense, just emptiness. I felt my heart was physically breaking – I mean I really physically felt it! It was the worst time of my life. Even worse than Nepal and worse than now. It’s a place more than it is a feeling. You’re luckily you never had to experience it. It changes you. It’s the opposite of hope and the absence of love. I hope to Jesus you never experience it.
I said no to Brie’s baby shower because of the whole ganging up phobia I have. It may be completely illogical, I know this. I don’t mean to come off as sounding like a dramatic crybaby whiner who cares nothing for Brie, but honestly, my phobia is something I would not wish upon anyone. It’s really that bad.
I love Brie and care about her feelings a great deal. It’s supposed to be her day and not Melanie’s crying day – I don’t want to bring everyone down and embarrass myself. I’m willing to go to Brie’s baby shower as long as you or Kristina don’t bring any of this up. I don’t want to burst into a crying fit if the two of you side against me. And I WILL cry if that happens.
Anyway, I’ve been deteriorating a little bit each day for years. Some of it because of Kristina making me feel like I’m nothing, and some of it from you excluding me from your life (don‘t get weird and defensive and strongly unapologetic which often is the case with you when I say stuff like this). Every time I felt I was being excluded, I would think to myself that I was being ridiculous and it was all in my head. I was driving myself crazy by not confronting these feelings as having any merit. I thought they were my own issues that I had to overcome. And I DO have issues, don’t get me wrong, but I also know that I would never and HAVE never excluded you from my life or any of the people in it – I tried to tie everyone in so I wouldn‘t have to bounce around to everyone and spreading myself too thin. Plus I hate excluding people. But you were doing it to me repeatedly.
I stopped feeling comfortable around you, like I was not the person you wanted to be with and you were only settling for me. I stopped being my happy self around you. But someone like you wouldn’t notice that. You never felt like I did, so you don’t know what it’s like. I can’t blame you for that.
I need to stop doubting my emotions as being irrational and inconsequential. And I shouldn’t feel ashamed and afraid to tell you my feelings. Confiding in you always made me feel very ashamed afterwards.
I respect everyone’s space and I don’t ask for much and certainly don’t want to hang out with the same person every single day – I never have. I don’t feel the need to know what you’re doing at every moment – I’m not that kind of person. I was never that kind of person. I’m forgiving and understanding and listen to others, but all my rational mind could tell me was that I really WAS being excluded, not welcomed. No matter how I sliced it, I was not wanted.
Hold on, I have more.
I get upset when you wait until the next day to invite me to your house on a holiday. You always ask me what I did, and after I tell you, you feel bad and say, “oh well you could’ve came over.” You did this a few times to me. You probably don’t remember saying it because of the different worlds we live in, but inviting me the day after really hurts. It makes me feel like an after-thought. This last time I expected it to happen, so I was okay with it. But I thought I should share this with you anyway since I’m already telling you everything.
Once I get going it’s hard to stop – sorry bout that.
None of this is meant to hurt you, although I’m sure you’re not hurt and you’re just fine and this is just a pointless gibberish ramble by someone you don’t give a fuck for. But I like to write, and I DO have a point! My point to this letter is to tell you that I can’t go on like this. The point of this letter is an explanation that you rightfully deserve to hear – I owe you that. We have too many years and memories with each other for me to slack off and not tell you how I feel about everything.
I decided that it’s best for me not to associate myself with Kristina anymore. I won’t discuss the reasons with you because you can form your own opinions of people and don‘t need any help from me. I won’t try to convince you to see my perspective. And when I was being gut-wrenchingly honest in the Nepal post, laying it all out on the table, well, that didn’t go over too well with you. Therefore, explaining is redundant and I’ll end up sounding mean again and you’ll inevitably take her side, so fuck explaining – it’s useless.
I also don’t want you to be in the middle of this and to be tossed around like ping-pong. You made it very clear to me last night and it was never my intention to make you feel that way. I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I always consider your feelings. I feel like you think I’m too negative and selfish to take your feelings into consideration. When did this happen? I feel like you don’t know me anymore. You see only the bad in me. And assume the worse of me.
So what I’m trying to say is that I think we should cool it for a while. Just go our separate ways for now. It’s the best thing for both of us. I can’t keep sacrificing myself and sticking this out just to avoid hurting your feelings. I’m the one who ends up getting hurt. I hurt until I’m drained of all my good stuff and I have nothing left for anybody. And nothing left for myself to make me feel any shred of happiness.
I know that if I remain friends with you, all of these problems will go up by 500 percent now that Kristina and I aren’t speaking. I wouldn‘t be able to handle that. I know what I can handle, and I can take a lot, but that would be tremendously difficult for me.
I’ll still always be here for you if you’re ever in a jam. I won’t be gone completely. I’ll always consider you a good friend. I’m sorry I sent that text message telling you to defriend me on facebook. I still want you to defriend me, but it’s for the selfish reason of not wanting to be reminded of you. I have to let you go – its hard to do what I’m doing – REALLY hard! And seeing you on facebook will only make it harder. You can still read my blog if you want to. I shouldn’t have told you not to. I was upset that I wouldn’t be able to know what you’re up to in life, but you would still have access to mine and therefore wouldn’t miss me at all. It doesn’t seem fair, but its my fault for writing the friggin’ thing.
God how I hate my honesty. It fucking sucks being me.
Its sucks being me, but I also feel like I’m a fucking awesome person.
I feel different from everyone else and that totally may be from my narcissism, or maybe I love myself too much, but I think I’m freaking spectacular – so spectacular that I can admit when I’m wrong, I know I have problems. I’m not perfect and never will be but I love my ability to love others, to feel guilt and empathy. I even like my ability to hurt! It shows that I’m human and I care. I love my capacity to overcome anything and still remain intact. I’m fucking awesome and I deserve the best of everything. I deserve to be around people who love and accept me. They’re surprisingly not hard to find.
And I’m sorry for all the mean texts I sent you. They weren’t intended to be mean, but if you interpreted them as mean, than I’m sorry. I was at my breaking point and maybe wanted to hurt you like you hurt me.
This letter is NOT to be misinterpreted as a cry for help. I’m only writing it to convey my feelings – I don’t want anything from you in return. The way I see it is that you think I’m needy and starved for attention and this is my way to guilt trip you. Don’t think that! It will ruin my letter if you think that. And the whole point will be lost.
I’m sincerely not doing this to get a reaction, or attention. I’m not doing this to hurt you, although saying that phrase, “I’m not doing this to hurt you” is hurtful in itself, at least for me it is.
I just want to get back to being my old happy self and I can’t do that with Kristina in my life. Honestly, I have no choice – I have to do this. I have to let you go. I don’t want to be blamed for you ping-ponging back and forth between us. I don’t want to stress you out anymore than I already have. I don’t want to feel excluded anymore, or that I’m an annoying hindrance, or looked down at like I’m some crazy emotional asshole – all things I feel when I’m around you and Kristina.
I’m planning to go on a trek to Spain called the Camino De Santiago. I’ll be gone for a while, but hopefully I can still blog everyday while I’m there. I need to collect my head and find myself again. Perhaps when I come back we can try being friends again, but don’t be upset if I won’t be ready. I’ll know when I’m ready. I have to wait until my heart grows back stronger than ever, you know? As for Kristina, I will NEVER be ready to be friends with her again. I have no desire to ever go through that again.
I’m really glad I got to see you yesterday. I was so scared that you would hear I was going to be there and not want to come out, so I’m relieved you came. I won’t have a problem if I see you in those instances, unless you bring Kristina, than I’m out.
Wow, this is a long freaking letter. I cried through half of it and now I’m exhausted. I didn’t finish my sandwich dammit. I’m supposed to go out but I really don’t feel like it. But I should go out. I need to drink after writing this freak show.
I hope you’re having fun at Dan’s birthday. I feel bad about not going but, you know how it is. I hope Dave and Dan are having a good time.
All while writing this letter I kept imagining you copying and pasting it to everyone and saying, “See? Isn’t she mental? Doesn’t she need help? What do you think, Kristina?” Thinking you would actually do that is very upsetting. It’s yet another reason why I need a break from you. Maybe not from you, but the thoughts I have against you. I need to escape the thoughts I have about you to let the love and trust back in. Because right now it’s very hard. But maybe the thoughts I have about you are true! That’s the saddest part. It makes me lose all faith in people.
But the strange part is, you can totally show Kristina! I don’t give a shit anymore and its liberating! But I should give a shit in order for us to have a friendship again, right?
No wait, fuck it. I WANT Kristina to read it! Copy and paste it to her and Stephanie, Lisa and Brie, let Tara read it (of course Tara, she’s your sister!). Why shouldn’t they be included? I mean, it IS my own personal bleeding heart pouring out to everyone after all. Anyone who ever mattered to me should read it. They deserve to know the real me, don’t they?
Besides, it’s just me. I don’t matter much.
If you feel the need to call and talk about this, you can. I won’t ignore you. But if you really take the time to understand where I’m coming from and be forgiving of me, you’ll see that I have no choice but to do this.
P.s (I wrote this last part of the letter after getting back from the bar. I was inebriated and distraught.)
I’m glad I didn’t send this out yet.
I’m really hoping you won’t show this letter to people, but in the back of my head I know that you will. That’s why I’m depressed. People are horrible and most of them can’t be trusted and it sucks that I unknowingly clumped you into that category.
If you have anything to say back at me, give me the respect I gave you and at least be honest. Call or write, or don’t respond at all. Whatever you do, just be honest. Call me an emotional crazy fuck face if you want to – but tell me WHY I’m a crazy emotional fuck face. You can swear at me and tell me you hate me, I’ll respect that.
If for some reason you want to punch me in my face, by all means do so – but tell me why and I’ll always forgive you and find understanding.
But give me a couple days before you respond (you don‘t have to respond, but just in case you do). I think I need to calm down first. I’m too exposed and vulnerable right now.
For our friendship to have even just the slightest chance of repairing, this is the way to do it – its the only way, really. To be honest with each other.
I care about you so freaking much Holly. I’ve known you when you were just a shy little girl, scared of going anywhere alone. I felt protective of you, and you to me. I watched you and your siblings grow up, watched Christian grow from an infant into a young man, you came to my dysfunctional family gatherings, my grandfathers funeral, and I always been by your side when you needed me. And now we’re getting older. Things are different.
People change, I know. But I miss the old friendship we had. I only had a handful of these types of friendships, but you and Steph were always the irreplaceable ones.
Saving our friendship by being honest also means telling you about all the good things I want to keep and all the stuff I miss.
I probably did something to cause the shift, and I tried repairing it but I was too late.
Anyway, I’m not ready to be your friend again. I need to take some time. I need to grow up a lot. And maybe after reading this, you’ll be the one who decides never to speak to me again. Who knows. The older I get, the less I know.
I remember last night you telling me that everything I’m mad about is a falsification. That I made everything up, or whatever, I forgot exactly what you said. And I know you fully believe that, but in my heart, what I felt was real. You shouldn’t have dismissed it like I made everything up.
I would never judge you for letting your angry feelings show towards someone. I would be right there with you having your back and getting angry myself. I would never point it out, or question your judgment. And by the way, yes! I WAS fucking mad at her! But what was your point in telling me that? Holly, you weren’t there! I wish you can imagine what its like to go through something like that only to come home to hear from your friend (best friend!) that what I did sounded angry and hateful. And you DID use the word hateful. You said I sounded hateful and angry. It broke me, it really did. I was hoping for a shoulder to cry on, but I got nothing. Absolutely nothing.
It’s bad enough not being close to you anymore, and feeling like your just-in-case-back-up friend, but then I had to hear something like that on a fucking text. Fucking texts I hate them! I really needed you when I got back, but you didn’t even care to see me. You went everywhere with Kristina and left me out. The both of you. How the fuck do you think that made me feel?? And then you said I was being angry and hateful? And I was there trying to hook up with the two of you, trying my best to make amends, but I still got the shaft and the cold shoulder from K.
You know she didn’t want to tell me about her troubles with Dan? She told everyone but me. She told everyone to keep it a secret. The only reason I found out was because I asked what was going on to show my concern. Lisa and Gina were both there to witness it. There was a very long awkward silence after I asked. So long was the silence that Lisa felt the need to say, “She wanted me to keep it a secret. She told us not to tell anyone. I‘m sorry.” But in the meantime, literally the entire bar knew what was happening before I did. Kristina was telling complete strangers about it. And the silence WAS long and awkward and I could feel it wasn’t any of my business and how dare I even talked to her. You can ask Lisa about that if you need proof which I‘m sure you do. And I know you’ll take Kristina’s word over mine. So fuck that shit. That’s not even the tip of the iceberg of how she treats me, that’s just a miniscule shitty example. But I told myself I wouldn’t talk shit about her and explanations are useless here. I don’t care if you believe me or not. No matter what I do, its never going to be good enough.
And because you will never understand how I feel right now, makes it another reason not to be friends with you. I don’t know if I can ever be friends with you again, or if you even care to want to be because honestly, I feel like you don‘t give a shit and I‘m working myself up over someone who’d gladly throw me under a bus if it meant saving herself, and if not herself, Kristina.
It all ties in with everything else. It ties in with you excluding me, Kristina hating me for no apparent reason, feeling like I embarrass people and no one wants me around. Even when I gave you a window for you to call, you still didn’t. I even apologized to you after Steph talked to me, but I got nothing back. You have no idea what its been like for me and I just can’t do it anymore. I give up, finally. You win. Kristina wins. You’ll never have to worry about me getting in your way again.
Shit, I need to sleep. I‘m tired and started crying all over again dammit. Its effing late and I don’t feel well. And I still haven’t eaten my sandwich! I’m surprised I’m not dead yet. Is my sandwich still good to eat? I think so.
Give me a few days before you respond back, that is if you respond back at all. I can’t handle it right now.
I already know you’re going to respond by saying I’m being ridiculous and telling fabrications, and that I sound hateful and angry and all that jazz. I know you won’t give me a reason why you stopped involving me with your friends. You will avoid that topic at all costs. That subject is taboo for you. You won’t be honest, only defensive, unapologetic and not understanding. You’ll tell me I need to see someone, take medication. I already know all this, so give me a few days to ready myself. You’ll find a way to say all that, only word it differently.
No more sandwich. Its gone.