Patience Padawan

In my last post I wrote about being happier and more aware with each passing day, but my goal in life is not to obtain happiness, but to experience everything.  I want to go out there in the world and get dirty, play, love, hurt, feel – to be anything other than numb.  The more hurt I feel, the stronger I become and I’m able to handle anything life throws at me.  As long as I can let go and roll with it.  People are who they are, they do what they do – it’s who they are and I must accept it.  I have no choice really.  No one does.

I’m great at rolling with the tides.  That’s what makes me a great traveler – Bring It is what I say.  This life is trivial, laugh when you can.

What I was thinking today during a massage:

99.99% of the universe is made up of anti-matter.  99.99% of our bodies are made up of space.  99.99% of an atom is space.  We are more not here, than here.  And the matter we can see in the universe, is only a square inch of a peal of paint on the very top of the empire state building.  Does the entirety of the empire state building merely exist to support that one flake of paint?

Everything in nature has a purpose.  Each cell is awake having a conscious and a purpose.  Nothing in our bodies is for naught – doesn’t that apply to the universe as well?

Our brains are made up of atoms, those tiny objects that are comprised mostly of space.  They facilitate our thinking, waking, mind.  If 99.99% of our brain is space, than how dumb are we?

I massaged my client  (a mild-mannered, always smiling asian man) with my black aya eyes forming over my pupils like cataracts.

“Wow….”

The shit I think about is trippy.

Where is my client?  I’m sitting here waiting.  It’s nice blogging an all, but I want these Groupon people done and over with.  She would be number 97 out of 400.  I’m massaging a total of 8 hours today, but only 3 count as new Groupon people, the rest I had before.  Okay, I’m going to call her.  Damn it I hate calling people.

Bah she’s not coming in.  She rescheduled online, but it didn’t go through so now I have no idea when her next appointment is.  I wish I kept her on the phone dammit.

I went to Birkram Yoga with Amy the other day.  Let me just tell you, Hole – Lee – Shit.  I walked into the room, 104 degree’s, humidity 75% and I wanted to turn around a walk back out.  It felt claustrophobic, I couldn’t breath.  It was my first reaction to the heat – my flight or fight response.  But I stayed.  I stayed for the whole 90 minutes and did every single pose that the instructor allowed me to do.  And guess what?  I liked it!  I actually friggin’ liked it.  How weird am I?  Very weird indeed.

The thing I liked most about it wasn’t the poses, the strength building or stretches.  It was having no choice but to remain calm.  My actions had to be deliberate and thought out.  My mind had to be clear, there was no other choice.  Doing otherwise would’ve caused the heat to rattle my senses and have me run out screaming.

It taught me patience, calmness and humility.  Having acceptance of what my body is capable of doing, and the understanding that I can improve upon it.  It takes meditation to a whole new level.  I was back in the inipi sweat lodge, surrendering and trusting the heat.  The experience I had with the inipi helped immensely.  I was smiling when doing it – actually smiling while holding poses – I was just so content and relaxed – it was a happy, safe place to be.

We sweat our asses off and my hair was drenched when it was over.  We went back to Billy O’s for lunch.  It was perfect.  I had one beer.  I’m allowed one beer.

Speaking of beer, Dave wants me to go to a birthday party on Saturday.  This is the moment of truth.  Do I go or not?  I love Dave damn it.  That night after Billy O’s, when he was shit faced riding his motorcycle – I was so worried about him getting home.  I haven’t heard from him for the next three days after that and started freaking out that maybe something happened.  As soon as I heard he was okay, I calmed down.  I can usually go weeks without hearing from the guy, and I’ll be fine.  What I don’t know, can’t worry me.  But when I know he’s on that damn bike drinking, I worry.

I care about him a lot.  So, I don’t know.  I can’t ditch the guy.  Even if he did read my blog, he would probably still be my friend.  That’s just who he is.  He bends over and takes it up the ass from others just like I do.

I don’t care what he does, he’s my friend and I’ll always have his back.

I was talking to my last client about dealing with bad influences in your life.  She said it’s important to set boundaries with them.  When it comes to family and friends – the difficult ones that you’re faced with seeing – you just have to set boundaries.

I have so much fun with Dave that my boundaries get smeared and rubbed off with beer.  It’s something I’m going to have to work on.  Self discipline is never fun.

I sent my no-show client an email.  I hope she gets it before her “scheduled” appointment.  I hate technical details like that.  I don’t want to worry about it.  I am so on top of my clients shit that it’s not even funny.  I double check, no triple check everything.  I triple checked her email before sending it out.

I’m good at this organization crap.  I have all the right tools.  First the tools, than the product.

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3 Comments

Filed under journal

3 responses to “Patience Padawan

  1. I love that you are out! Experiencing life, loving, hurting an feeling it all! Thats where I am….fighting through the things that keep my bound and truly living!

    • Everything happens for a reason, but those things will keep happening until you learn from them. I want to learn, so I best be getting my feet wet.
      Thanks for the comment 🙂

  2. Pingback: Oh Groupon.. | melanie's blog

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