I was watching The Tudors on Netflix late last Monday night. I came to the part where Anne Boleyn was being held prisoner in the tower awaiting her execution. I fell asleep during that episode wondering what it would feel like to be sentenced to death. What it must feel like to be her.
That night I dreamt I was running away from a bunch of angry villagers wanting to chop my head off. No matter how fast I ran, the angry shouts became closer and louder, the chopping block inching towards me no matter how fast I ran from it.
I woke up to Kristie texting me a good morning. It was Tuesday, a day of laughing and drinking with my happy Tuesday crew, but I tried calling Holly instead to get her to talk to me. She agreed to meet at El Sombrero’s, a mexican restaurant. I felt like I was a lamb going to slaughter, about to get my head chopped off by angry villagers.
I tentatively sat down across from her, ordered a Corona and ate some complimentary chips and salsa. I was starving. I haven’t been able to relax enough to eat anything in a long time.
It didn’t take long for her to lay into me. Angrily talking at me, demanding me to respond. I cried several times, pouring my heart out like an idiot, but she was still unrelenting and demanding more and more responses from me.
My guess is that Kristina got it in her head that I don’t respond in conversations. That I’m a poor communicator. Her belief about me being unresponsive was in her head, so no matter what I said to her, it wasn’t enough. She got angrier and angrier with me with every passing moment. I had my back against the wall, I was being bullied.
My food laid there untouched. She brought up Kristina wanting another apology from me, she blamed me for everything. She made me feel ashamed of my feelings. She blamed how I felt on me not having any money, and that I’m depressed because I hate my job. She showed no signs of compassion or understanding and yet she wanted me to keep telling her how I felt, over and over again. She didn’t want to stop until she was satisfied with a ‘correct’ response. Either that or I was left without a head.
And after all that, she still wants to be friends. It was the only kind thing she said to me all evening.
Nothing was resolved and she kept prodding, “do you still want to be friends? I need to know. Do you?”
She blames me for everything, believes everything Kristina tells her, and refuses to see my hurt in all this.
I’m so tired. I feel so weak. Its Wednesday, my eyes feel so cried out and drained. I’m supposed to hang out with Kristie, Ania and Matt later. I don’t feel like it. This is the first time that I feel so utterly beaten by everyone that I’m losing all hope. Absence of hope to never feel happy again is true depression. I haven’t felt truly depressed until after dinner with Holly.
I’m watching The Tudors again on Netflix. I drew Ann Bowlin’ on my phone.
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