I met Kristie and Ania out for a drink tonight. They have no idea what’s going on in my personal life, so I was able to leave it all behind and forget about it. Ania made me laugh so hard I wanted to kiss her. I love these girls.
We hopped on over to the Groggy Frog after having one drink at the Fireplace and met Matt, the bouncer from Billy O’s.
Kristie called him up and wanted to see him.
For the first half of the night, Kristie talked to Matt while Ania and I entertained each other. Matt bought Kristie 4 shots and got her hammered. She was so happy, having fun – everyone was having fun, me included! Then Jarred showed up, who is a highly entertaining fellow. We sang along to bad karaoke and danced.
Matt is into theater and for whatever reason we started talking about stage kissing. He showed me an example of how it’s done. But next thing I know, the guy’s lips were on mine. He pretended like he was going in for a stage kiss, but swiftly moved his thumb away at the very last moment.
The first time I met Matt, I made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want a relationship. And I made no signs of flirting tonight – I even kept away for Kristie’s sake since I thought she may have liked him, but there I was with the guys mouth pressed against mine. My little group of friends all stopped talking in mid-sentence to look over at us.
I gently shoved him away – “Okay, okay. Wow you’re smooth. You totally snuck a kiss.”
Matt – “So you’re saying I’m smooth? Is that a compliment?”
Me – “Yes you’re smooth, but I’m not looking for a relationship.”
Matt – “Oh I know I know you told me before. The first night I met you, you told me.”
Me – “Okay, well as long as you know. Sorry, I just have a lot going on right now.”
Then next thing I know, his lips were on mine again! He did the same stage kiss move he did last time and it worked yet again.
Seconds later Kristie says;
Kristie – “I’m going back to the fireplace.”
Me – “Oh shit. Why?”
Kristie – “Listen to this girl sing! I heard enough for one night.”
The girl singing was pretty bad. She was singing some slow song I never heard of before.
Her, Ania and Jarred went back to the Fireplace. Matt put in a song to sing and didn’t want to leave until he sang it. I didn’t want to be rude by leaving him, so I stayed and listened to him sing. He sang Brittany Spears, Hit me baby one more time, which in an odd way, reminded me of my ex-friends. I bolted out the lyrics with him.
By the end of the night he told me this;
Matt – “You know when I first met you, I felt that you were sad, like something was bothering you.”
Me – “Really? You could tell that?”
Matt – “Well, you told me something was bothering you.”
Me – “Oh, ha ha.”
Matt – “But I want to tell you something. I know how weird this may sound, and I don’t want to weird you out with a strange comment, I don’t want to offend you or anything like that..”
Me – “Lay it on me.”
Matt – “I feel bad saying this but seeing you as hurt as you were, actually made me feel good about myself.”
Me – “Yeah?”
Matt – “It’s just that I couldn’t understand how someone like you – someone so cool and chill and laid back – could let anything get to you. It made me feel good that even people like you have shit going on.”
He actually said these words to me. These were his exact words as acutely as I remember them.
Me – “Oh my god thank you Matt. In a weird way that’s just what I needed to hear. I AM laid back, and cool for the most part, but people make me feel like I’m crazy.”
Matt – “Oh no, you’re not crazy. Definitely not crazy.”
Then he tried doing his stage kiss trick again. I turned my face and felt guilty for it.
I feel like the Gods above are feeding me torn off pieces of bread. They’re watching me scramble for them before I starve to death. ‘Hang in there girl, you’ll be fine. You’re always fine. Here’s a good meaty chunk of Italian loaf.’
Matt is a big guy – huge in fact. He’s over six feet tall, has a belly proportionate to his big beefy frame. I wanted to sink into his arms and let him hold me. But I’m not that girl. I don’t do stuff like that.
His grandfather been given 48 hours to live. He’s hopping a plane tomorrow to Florida to see him.
Matt – “My Grandfather came to my high school once to pick me up. He saw me hugging a pretty girl and he was so proud of me after that. He couldn’t believe I was hugging such a pretty girl. He kept telling everyone about that story of how his grandson was caught hugging a beautiful girl. It went on for years he would tell people. And now here I am, with an even prettier girl. I can only imagine what my grandpa would say if he could see me here with you.”
Matt is the type of guy that girls don’t give a second glance at. Him being with me, and his appearance versus my appearance never entered my head until he said that to me about his Grandpa. I was wearing my once favorite blue jeans that now hang off me like drapery, and a non-fitting skull and crossbones shirt I bought from Hot Topic. My hair stringy and uncombed. Not a lick of makeup. And this guy was comparing me to a pretty girl he once hugged in high school.
I never judge people on how they look because I don’t want them to do that with me. But everything Matt said to me, made me feel wonderful.
I am so supremely tired right now. I can not even begin to tell you the amount of exhaustion I feel. My eyes are so drained from tears shed earlier. My stomach empty without food, sinks in concave, protruding my hip bones as I lay here in bed. My wrists are so thin. So fragile am I (I haven’t eaten in two days). Matt feels like a big burly wall of warmth and love. A big wall of protection from everything – even myself.
I can love so easily. So freely. I can see myself with him. Going out every night, being treated like a princess. But I don’t let myself cave in. Not with anyone. I wouldn’t wish a relationship with me on to anyone. I’m damaged goods and would only ruin him. I would crush him completely with my brutal noncommittal aloofness.
I ruin everything I touch. Everyone who’s ever cared about me, I end up hurting. What’s happening with me and my friends is all my fault. I’m the one who doesn’t call people back if I feel the slightest discomfort. I’m the one who didn’t want to speak to them again until just recently. I wrote a lot of shit in my blog about them, but really the blame is all on me. But I can’t change the way I feel. They cut me deep and don’t understand how or why, while to me, the reasons are blatantly obvious. It’s sad and frustrating. I just want to know why. I want to know the reason why they don’t like me after so many years of friendship.
I can run my mouth up and down china town telling you guys how much I wasn’t flirting with Matt, but my love emanates to everyone and anything surrounding my vicinity. I care for others and that care is what gets me into trouble. I am once again damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
I want to kidnap myself and hold me up for ransom in some foreign land. I’ll ask for $1,000,000 USD from the American embassy or else I’ll never be seen or heard from again. Or maybe I can just skip the first part, and instead just leave. Never to come back.
It’s scary to think that way – to never come back.
I met a guy the other day at Jersey Joe’s. An older African American fellow – loud, friendly and boisterous. We talked for a bit and out of nowhere he tells me that he has a feeling he’s never going to see me again. This is scary to hear. First off, when people tell me this, it’s ALWAYS true! Gobinda, the guy from Nepal, said he had a feeling we weren’t going to meet for dinner.
Gobinda – “I feel you won’t be there. You won’t be at dinner. I know. I know.”
He said this with a shy smile as he kept rubbing the sweat off his forehead, squinting in the sun. I strangely knew he was right, even though I had my fullest intent on meeting him for dinner. At the time he asked me, I was still excommunicated from my travel group and needed a friendly face to comfort me.
Then there was a guy I used to work with at J. Timothy’s when I was 22. We went out, kissed a little, and I pulled away from him on the dance floor. We were dancing and for whatever reason he tells me, “I have the feeling that I’m never going to see you again. If you walk away from me right now, I won’t ever see you again.” It was weird to hear that, but I felt it was true. It was especially weird since he was my ride home and we worked at the same restaurant. But he was right. I walked away from him on the dance floor and never seen or spoken to him since.
It happened a few more times, and each time was right.
But this guy is different, the one at Jersey Joe’s. I see him sometime’s at Happy Tuesday and I go to Jersey Joe’s a few times a month – he’s always around. I always bump into him. For him to say that he’ll never see me again makes me feel like something bad is going to happen to me. Because of him, I’m not going on my pilgrimage to Spain until I see him again. I’m going to break the curse.
Holy good lord I’m so tired. Shit.
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