I went upstairs just minutes ago to make myself a cheese sandwich. My mom was sitting in her rocker in the living room and talking on the phone with my aunt Cathy. My aunt and OCD cousin were talking in hushed voices down the hall in his bedroom just like normal crazy people do.
I overheard my mom’s phone conversation;
Mom – People are saying that one of the apostles was really a woman. Yeah, people like to stir stuff up, that’s all.
She was most likely talking about the Da Vinci Code scandal and how the History Channel did a show that backed up the facts that were told in the book.
I never understood this debate, but I’m not a die-hard religious freak either. I just don’t see what the big deal is – I will never see what the big deal is, and if liking the DaVinci code makes me a blasphamist than I have no problem with that.
Me – They say that was Mary Magdalene with him.
Crazy aunt – NO IT WASN’T.
I’m not nice in regards to ball-busting. I love to bust up people’s balls now and then and here lies the perfect opportunity. It’s even more ridiculous because my aunt refuses to speak to me. She tells my mother her opinions loud enough for me to hear.
My mom was still talking on the phone, ignoring my comment.
Mom – There was an apostle who looked like a young feminine boy, so they say he was a woman, but that’s just how they dressed back then.
Me – He was definitely a She.
I was in the kitchen making a sandwich. My dad saunters in smiling.
Dad – And Jesus has some illegitimate kids running around too.
I love my dad.
Me – I have some Jesus blood in me.
Dad – Well now I don’t know about that.
Crazy aunt – Sandra, do you hear your daughter? Tell her she’s wrong!
My crazy aunt pretended not to hear my dads comment.
Mom – Just ignore her. When you get upset, it only makes her talk more.
Me – I saw Mary Magdalene in church!
I said this really loud and stupidly because I thought it was funny. Of course it’s not funny and doesn’t make any sense, but the mere mention of Mary Magdalene in this house is sacrilege. Even if you say you saw her hitch-hiking, or pumping gas, any mention is profane.
Crazy aunt – Sandra!
Mom – Quiet now, I’m on the phone! Don’t let it escalate!
My aunt started muttering about me not having a clean soul and would never be accepted by God.
Me – Eww, a spider!
I was walking down the stairs into my dust bin basement and was nearly bulldozed over by a spider.
Me – Mary Magdalene is this spider!
That definitely didn’t make any sense, but it made me laugh and I got the proper response from my crazy aunt.
Crazy aunt – Why is she doing this?
Mom – Don’t get upset.
Crazy aunt – I’m not upset. She doesn’t make me upset. She’s the one that has to stand before God.
Me – Me and Jesus had a beer last night!
Then I went into my room to write this post to you. I’m still smiling over it. I’m horrible, absolutely horrible.
Santa gave me pimples for Christmas. Can you believe him?! Pimples! I don’t usually get them, but I’ve eaten a hellova lot of sweets lately. I just want to hole myself up in my room and play video games. I beat Final Fantasy finally.