My girl crush on Uma Thurman

Uma thurman

I haven’t been feeling well lately.  It may be burn out, or a virus, or who know’s what.  My hypochondria is acting up.  The hepatitis C lady has become a regular client, so I’m assuming I have hep C.

I haven’t gotten much sleep last week.  I was averaging about four hours a night.  I went out Saturday after work, and woke up early on Sunday for an all day work picnic that Dave invited me to.  I was beat.

When I finally got home Sunday night, I stripped off my clothes and crashed.  I was barely able to change my tampon before passing out.  I woke up 14 hours later and lounged around all day until Sarah called wanting to go out.  We went to Billy O’s for a few drinks and once again I crashed when I got home and slept for 12 hours.  When I woke up Tuesday afternoon, I did nothing all day until Dave called me.  We went out, I drank, and again I found myself crashing into bed.  I slept for about 10 hours.

When I woke up today, my head was cloudy and my ears felt blocked.  I was beat-up and narcoleptic.  I drove to work yawning the whole way and massaged my first few clients of the day.  I drank a latte for a pick-me-up, massaged two more people and then I was down to my last client.  A two-hour massage that I really wasn’t looking forward to.

I massaged this woman once before and noticed she has an uncanny resemblance to Uma Thurman.  I decided a long time ago that if I was into chicks, Uma would be my girl.  I’m pretty sure it’s from the Kill Bill movie’s.  I like people who kick ass.

So there I was massaging Uma for two hours.  I’ve been having to give two-hour massages a lot lately.  No one else wants to do them, so they all get trickled down to me.  Something about massaging someone for two hours makes the massage a heck of a lot more intimate.  Intimacy is rarely a factor if the massage is only an hour, but two hours?   Well, that’s a lot of rubbing.

I’ve done the quick little verbal exchange of what Uma was looking for in her massage and got her on the table without any inappropriate lesbian thoughts in my head.  I massaged her back for an hour, then massaged her legs, and when I got to her feet I was startled to see that even her feet looked like Uma’s.  They were all gangly, long and bony with her toes sticking out every which way – just like Uma’s feet when they did a close up on them in Kill Bill.

I flipped her over onto her back, and that’s when I started getting nervous.  I don’t know why I was so nervous.  It could have been the latte in my empty stomach, or my congested head, but whatever it was, I started sweating and blushing.

I’ve never had this happen to me before!  Even when I massage cute guys, I have a harmless non-sexual fantasy about them to pass the time, but I never get nervous with them.  My massage’s are strictly professional.  I never flirt, or send out sexual energy, but the more I thought about her resemblance to Uma, the more it felt like I was sexualizing the massage – which I did NOT want to do.  Same nose, same wide-set eyes, same hair, same cheek bones……..

It was the most uncomfortable massage I had to give.  I’m very in-tune with the energy people give off, and I assume that people can feel my own energy.  I was so nervous that Uma was getting a weird vibe from me, but she remained completely relaxed with a faint smile on her face.

I’m just glad it’s over.  I’m really not gay.  I say I have a girl crush on Uma Thurman, but if it came down to it, I would most likely chicken out. 

I have to go to sleep.  I’ll try not to sleep for more than 8 hours this time.  And I will NOT have sweet dreams about Uma.  I’ll have sweet dreams about my blog instead.



Filed under humor, journal, Massage therapy

2 responses to “My girl crush on Uma Thurman

  1. Steph

    LOL you never fail to crack me up!

  2. Pingback: Don’t be offended « melanie's blog

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