I am never without thought. My head is chock full of half finished idea’s and unanswered questions. My life moves really fast when I don’t sort everything out. It’s like looking at a blurry photograph. My shutter speed malfunctions. I can no longer process my individual self from the rest of society. Weeks vanish in moments, months dissolve into eachother and I find myself getting older. I change, but remain the same.
I look for the nearest exit, the quickest answer, the easiest puzzles to solve. My body overtakes my mind with empty habit. The only thing that feels real are my needs. They make me feel human. They make me feel like I have control.
This is what happends to me when I stop writing. Life keeps moving without me in it. I’m still there, but my soul is somewhere else. My eyes become emtpy.
This has a negative effect on me. I know something is wrong, but I don’t know how to stop it. All my new thoughts become ugly and drain the life out of me. They make me not want to get out of bed in the morning. I feel like a slug. My personality is too easily infiltrated by my environment. I become a product of everything else but me. That’s the part that makes me sad. When I can no longer find myself.
I am writing this for my benefit, to sort out this chaos to stop it from happening.
Some people can live their lives happily in this state of being. I think of them as the people who say; “Can you believe it’s Easter already?” or “Wow, I can’t believe it’s April, what happend to March?”
I think of them as the people who live only for the weekend. They don’t mind work because the week goes by so fast. Only on Wednesday do they take the veil off and say “Ugh, I can’t believe it’s only Wednesday.” I want to tell them to close their eyes again so next time they open them, it will be Friday.
Maybe they are the type of person who talk on and on about pointless jibberish to anyone or anything equipped with ears. Do they talk to corn also?
How can these people be so happy? Maybe there is no conflict with their beliefs and the beliefs outside of them. Therefore, no internal struggle. No frustration. No need for change.
The only real choice people have over any conflict is that they can either change their beliefs so they match with the rest of the world, or change the world.
Living in limbo and not making a choice is where misery comes from. You can make a conscious choice to live with the misery. At least then you’ll never forget why you feel like shit all the time. If you forget the reason why you feel like shit, that’s when you start blaming yourself for everything that’s going wrong in your life. You lose control and rely even more on your imediate needs for comfort.
People need to hit rock bottom before they are able to look up.