I wear jeans and t-shirts.  I wear my t-shirts over long sleeve t-shirts and I think this looks good.  I rarely wear makeup, I guzzle beer and play pool any chance I get.  I’m a plain Jane (as my mom puts it), but guys still dig me.  I don’t understand them.

I first noticed boys in kindergarten, well, more like they noticed me. TJ was the first boy to ever like me.  All the kids in class knew it except for me. 

One day my fellow classmates made me play sleeping beauty.  TJ being the beauty and I, the prince.  My playmates told  me I had to kiss TJ to break the sleeping curse.  And so I did. They burst into crazy laughter and abandoned the game and left me just standing there. TJ still had his eyes closed with a smile on his face. I walked away confused and embarrassed. I’m still confused.

I feel like guys are plentiful and abundant.  I’m not worried about ending up alone.  This must stem from having an admirer at four years old.  TJ went the whole six years of elementary school with his not-so secret crush on me.  That kind of stable admiration gave me a good foundation with men.  I know they will always be there when I need them, so why ruin a good thing?

There may be a slight chance that I take advantage of them.  My problem is that I never know just how much they like me. I think they will be fine with me not calling them, or not seeing them for a week. I’m oblivious when I hurt them. I’ve been called ‘cold hearted,’ but I’m really just clueless.

I’m definitely not cold-hearted. I’ve pitied kissed so many people. That counts as having a big heart, doesn’t it? Oh God, I really am a bitch. Shit.

My latest victim is Dave.  A 26-year-old pure Pollock.  He’s tall with blonde hair, blue eyes and the sweetest face you can imagine.

I met Dave last year around the fourth of July.  I was horribly depressed and just got done throwing up from drinking too much.  That’s when we met.  I haven’t thrown up since then. 

We dated for a while and I slowly lifted out of my depression.  He was there when I needed someone to be there.  He made me feel good about myself.  He still has no idea I was ever depressed.  I’m good at being your typical run of the mill functioning depressive.

We broke up a while ago.  I have a fear of commitment (see my post about all my jobs).

Could the reason for my depression be from not having a man in my life?  I was without the safety net made out of the tender love I’m so familiar with.  I felt unloved and unwanted, but I never thought it was from men.  Huh, I guess it’s possible. 

I was also unemployed without any plans for the future and I had absolutely no money.  I was fighting with my brother and my best friends.  For the first time in my life I was completely and utterly alone.  At least now I know what that feels like.  I hope to never experience it again.

There has always been a close male companion in my life.  Eventually they grow tired of me and move on.  I get sad and lonesome for a bit until the next guy moves up the ladder to fill the place.  I feel bad for these guys.  

I don’t want to settle.  Having a boyfriend means that I would eventually have to marry him and have kids.  I don’t want that.  Not now, maybe not ever.  However, I can’t live without them. 

Dave still likes me.  We hang out all the time.  But eventually he’ll grow tired just like the rest of them.  Then once again I’ll be a bumbling, lachrymose wreck.  Maybe by then I’ll be in the military so I won’t have time to think about stuff like that.


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